I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
