I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
