I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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