i just sent this text using only my big toe
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
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These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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