3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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