You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
