dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She bit a glass in half.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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