Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
