i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
