If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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