last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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