having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
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My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
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You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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