I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
