Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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