I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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