Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
