the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
