she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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