i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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