I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
