So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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