The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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