Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
