I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
you made out with another girl for some wings
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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