By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
