TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
