I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
