the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
