Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
