Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
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And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to