remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.