I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
as a side note pls kill me
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
