look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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