Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
