Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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