WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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