im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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