We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He did a backflip because drugs
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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