fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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