Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
