I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
they call him Oral-B. enough said
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
