i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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