he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
