she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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