The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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