My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Four minutes until I can fart!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You are a genius and a whore.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
