i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
