I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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