I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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