You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
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Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
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He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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