Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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