Are we in a gay sports bar?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Randomize
