that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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