he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
