the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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