Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
ttyl tear gas
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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