someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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