do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
