I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
