when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
