he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you never un-have a 4some
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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