My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
