This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
