Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
